While browsing a few sites today, I found onethousandgifts.com. I don’t remember how I found the book, but I did, then read the preview on amazon and bought it. From there I went to the author’s website.
She has a meme – Walk With Him Wednesdays. “Every Wednesday, we Walk with Him, posting a spiritual practice that draws us nearer to His heart.” Lately, it’s been the Practice of Marriage and, because I’m a sap, I decided to post.
This May will mark 12 years that Brian & I have been married. Twelve?? That number shocks me. No, not because it feels So. Much. Longer. Well, maybe sometimes it does (and I feel certain he’d second that… especially since I said it first. He’s a wise man – he’ll only make cracks like that when he knows I’m in a good mood or when I’ve already said it myself.)
We met in the early days of the internet. 1994 (17 years ago!). No Windows. No Internet Explorer. No http web addresses. No dsl connections. I had a 1200 baud modem. It was a BBS (bulletin board system) based out of Holland. He liked my handle – which at the risk of much ridicule, I’ll share: Freak of Nature. Over the summer, I had a co-worker friend who would tell me, “Liz, you’re a freak of nature…” and yes, from him, it was a term of endearment and I liked it. Brian liked it too and sent me a message saying so. We discovered everything we had in common and talked on every BBS we each frequented. One night, we were talking and lost connection. It was the dial-up network on my end, so I went to bed. I’m not sure how much longer it was, I do know it was wee hours of the morning, but my phone rang. It was him. He had gone through all the BBS’s we frequented, looking for one that I might not yet have deleted my contact information from. (When I first got onto these BBS’s, I put in my contact information because it said I should. Once I learned that I really shouldn’t – there weren’t many, but there were some true freaks out there – I deleted the information, but missed one). I was shocked. Then flattered. I don’t know how long we talked, but after getting to know each other online, we decided to meet in person. Over a break, I drove to Huntsville, AL. We met in the Toys R Us parking lot on University Drive and went from there (driving separately) to meet up with some of his friends at the mall. That was the beginning of a 2 year, long distance relationship.
Two years. Long distance. Communication is a MUST. After 17 years, you’d think we’d be really good at it. Not so much, but we’ve gotten better. I’m learning to let him be the head of the household. I’ve learned that letting him be the head of household does not mean I’m inferior to him or less capable than him. I’m the one who keeps the household running. I know what’s in our fridge, freezer, and pantry. I (usually) know Taylor’s schedule, our own schedule. I know what laundry is where and what needs to be done around the house (though getting it done is another story at times!). Anyone who’s honestly read Proverbs 31 knows that the wife is not subservient to the husband. I know, Ephesians 5 says for wives to submit to your husbands, but to submit does not mean that I’m “less than” him, nor does it give him permission to walk on me or treat me like a servant. For the record, Brian’s never treated me like any of those negative things I just said – those are purely examples of the stereotype associated with “submit”. If you read the rest of the passage in Ephesians, beyond wives submit, you’ll see that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church. And I love the last verse: Eph 5:33, So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (New Living Translation)
It’s a partnership – he’s the CEO of the company, I’m the COO. If we don’t communicate, the company falls. I’ve learned that that means communicating things even though I fear it’ll upset him, even though I could get myself in trouble, even though it may not be what he wants to hear. That’s been a hard lesson for me to learn. I fear rejection. Sometimes my news has upset him, but it wasn’t as bad as I had feared it would be. Sometimes I’ve gotten in trouble, but it wasn’t as bad as I had feared it would be. See the trend? That’s the thing about fear, it makes problems seem bigger than they really are. It can also put a wedge into a marriage because that fear can lead to keeping secrets. “No secrets” can be a scary concept, but I trust him and he trusts me. I love him and he loves me. So, what has happened when I’ve brought him bad news? Yeah, sometimes he fusses (when he does, trust me, it’s usually warranted) but once the initial shock is over, the questions are asked: “Now what?” “What do we need to do to fix it?” “What do we need to do to not be here again?” Communication. Partnership. Knowing our roles and knowing that neither is truly lesser than the other.
You two really seem to have it on the ball! I’ve always been in awe with the way the two of you met, against the advice of friends and family, and carried on that long distance relationship. And I’m so glad you didn’t listen to it!!
Good post. I’m kinda in awe of your meeting too – especially since had I known about it I’d have one of your “discouragers” it and look at what all I’d have missed!!! And I can certainly vouch for the “long distance” part of the relationship….on my long distance card that only you knew (I never remembered) the numbers to. 🙂
Mom: Yeah, I left out the whole bit about not telling y’all til I knew I’d be home later than expected. I loved your response when I said, “I’m not where I said I’d be…” You said, “I didn’t think so. So where are you?” 🙂
As for the long distance card, I remember the tones, but not the numbers now. If I could listen to the tones, I’m pretty sure I could figure it out.