Rambling

None of the Reverb10 prompts are speaking to me at the moment, so I’m rambling.

I’m tired. I want to cry. I feel like there’s a hole in my chest. I want to curl up in a ball and not come out for a long long time. At the same time, somehow, I’m hopeful.

We got a draft of his headstone today and it’s going to be gorgeous. I hate that we have to do this. It breaks my heart that we have to do this. But I’m enjoying it. At this point, this is the only way I have to take care of my boy. I’ll take whatever joy I can get.

On the front is a picture that we fell in love with. We saw one like it on another baby’s headstone and mentioned it to the guy doing Keith’s. He came back with the one we’ll be using (if you don’t want to click – it’s a picture of Jesus in the clouds holding a baby!)

It’s going to be black granite – the center part of that image in an oval toward the top, then Keith’s name and his date of birth and death, then a scripture from Isaiah that Brian found on SIDS America. No, we don’t know if it was SIDS or something else yet. The coroner is waiting for a few more tests to come back and is hoping to have the report finished by the end of the week. That site, though, has been a wonderful find.

“But those who die in the Lord will live; their bodies will rise again! Those who sleep in the earth will rise up and sing for joy!” (Isaiah 26:19)

On the back will be our family name and some verses from Psalm 39. We had 1 Corinthians 15:51-52, 55 on the memorial card at his viewing. “Behold, I show you a mystery; We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump: for the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed… O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?”

To me, that was an affirmation that we were not going to let this tragedy tear us apart or crush us completely. Death and the grave have no victory over us. Period. I needed that strength, that conviction, that knowledge, to get me through those initial days.

Then Brian found this one:
“It is the same way with the resurrection of the dead. Our earthly bodies are planted in the ground when we die, but they will be raised to live forever. Our bodies are buried in brokenness, but they will be raised in glory. They are buried in weakness, but they will be raised in strength. They are buried as natural human bodies, but they will be raised as spiritual bodies. For just as there are natural bodies, there are also spiritual bodies.” (1 Cor. 15: 42-44) We liked it a lot for awhile but ultimately decided against it. We felt its context was more in the future / in the end times.

And he found this: “Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered—how fleeting my life is. You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand. My entire lifetime is just a moment to you; at best, each of us is but a breath….And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you.” (Psalm 39:4-5, 7)

THAT’S what will be on the back under our family name. It’s going to be beautiful and I’m sure we’ll be posting pictures. The picture attached to this post is the temporary marker we got from a local lawn & garden place. Once the headstone is placed, this angel will be brought home and placed in a memorial garden I’ll be doing with (lots of) help from a friend.