themcalisters.net

Here

I’m tired.
I’m sad.
Sort of.
Maybe sad isn’t the right word.
I don’t care
much
I’m okay
I’m not okay
I want to change but I don’t
don’t as in I don’t want to change
don’t as in I just don’t change
I want my baby
I like my work but I don’t want to do it
I just want to sleep

These are the days that I sleep with the teddy bear they gave us that night in the ER. It’s about the same size he was. When I rub my lips on its soft fur, it reminds me of kissing him. Its little bottom is about the same size as his even. But it’s not him. God, I miss him.

January 28, 2011, 9:02 pm | 4 Comments »

Keith’s monument in place!

Front

Back

The flower is from one of the kids at church. It was very sweet of him! I feel a little weird saying this, but I was excited to know that it was being placed. A few of my friends who’ve had recent losses themselves said that they understood. I guess it’s more of us taking joy in taking care of him. We put a good bit of effort and time into designing it and making it as perfect as we could. And it is. It’s gorgeous.

And now I’m looking forward to spring coming so we can start working on the garden. The focal point will be a red bud tree. When I looked that up, I realized that this is the same tree that I looked forward to seeing on my commute to my old workplace – the best part of spending 20+ minutes on a lonely 2-lane road. My plan is to have the angel statue at the base, similar to the picture (it’s a red bud too, by the way). The plan is for some hedges to come out from the corner of the house, the tree in the corner, then more hedges running parallel to the house from there. We’ll walk out of our front door and turn right into our own little secret garden.

January 24, 2011, 9:13 pm | 2 Comments »

An Update

I haven’t posted in a couple of weeks because I wasn’t feeling inspired. I wanted to be able to have some deep, meaningful post to write and put on the site for all to read. Then, as I was rambling in my journal, something I wrote reminded me of something I read about a year or so ago. Essentially, not every blog entry will be a homerun.

We’ve been doing alright the last few weeks. January 18th was the two month anniversary of Keith’s death and I realized that on the morning of the 19th. And then I felt guilty. Then I kicked myself for feeling guilty. Thursday was a little difficult. I was listening to my Christian station on Pandora when MercyMe’s “Homesick” came on. After that, I was on the verge of crying and having difficulty focusing. I was tempted to run away and go home. Instead, I went to lunch. I took my sandwich, chips, and drink and went to my car. It was kind of nice, actually. I had a book, so wasn’t just sitting there. Granted, I had to start the car and run the heater for a few minutes now and then, but still, it wasn’t half bad. By the time my hour was up, I was feeling a little better. Good enough that I could face people and focus on work that needed doing.

Come 5:00, I was definitely ready to go, though, and I knew where my first stop would be. I had my “remember” stone in my hand for most of the drive home. I did manage to not cry (much) on the drive – it’s a little difficult to see what traffic is doing when one’s vision is blurred. I turned into the cemetery and as I crested the first little hill, I saw a familiar car ahead of me and off to the side. Apparently I wasn’t the only the one who needed to see Keith. It was Brian’s birthday. He wasn’t feeling much like celebrating and I understood that. I convinced him that, even though he didn’t feel like it, we needed to. He understood that and we went out to eat. It was a nice dinner. We had a waiter that I don’t recall us having before. Taylor didn’t like him, though. She asked him if we could get some cheese dip and with a completely straight face, he shook his head no. A little bit later, he acted as if he was about to pour tea into her soda – again, straight faced and just stayed put until she noticed him there and what he was doing. Now do you see why she didn’t like him and we did?

Keith’s headstone will be placed either Monday or Tuesday. We’ll be bringing the angel marker home. I need to get with my friend about the tree and see when we can start on our little memorial garden at home. I’m excited about that. It’s going to be in the front yard. I’ll walk out the front door and it’ll be just to my right. Bushes will be the “fence” and in the one corner, there will be a red bud tree that we’ll be getting from Brian’s aunt. At a seminar today, a friend at church told me that she wants to help me with flowers for it. I am beyond thrilled because…. I’m not a gardener! But I really want a place I can go and relax. The backyard has loud and obnoxious dogs (one of which is mine), so it’s not peaceful in the least. Our street is a bit busy, but I believe the hedges will provide a decent barrier for that. As for me not being a gardener, well, I’m starting with plants that “thrive on neglect” and will learn as I go!

January 22, 2011, 4:23 pm | Comments Off

Faith and Hope

This past Tuesday was my first day by myself in about two weeks. I had multiple come-aparts (between laundry and organizing!) and it was good. Some time before Christmas, my daughter’s dance teacher told me that he was trying to get me a copy of the eulogy Rick Burgess (of Rick & Bubba) gave at his son’s funeral. In 2008, Rick’s 2 year old son managed to get out of the house and fell into the family’s pool. I learned that the eulogy is on YouTube in three parts (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3). It can also be found on the Rick and Bubba website. I watched it and it spurred this post.

I first started with Romans 8:28, “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”

ALL things work together for good.
What good can possibly come out of the death of a baby?! Surprisingly, a lot. That night in the ER, nurses were astounded at the show of love and support we got from our church family. We were too, for that matter. We knew we had an awesome support network and church family. Now, we KNOW. In the days following Keith’s death, that love and support continued to flow in the form of gifts, food, fellowship, love, and prayer. Again, we were astounded. And so were our non-church friends who witnessed it. Two have started coming and two others have promised a visit (and I trust them to keep that promise).

Need more convincing? How many of you hugged your children tighter after hearing what happened to us? How many of you appreciated your loved ones just a little more after seeing or hearing our experience? I saw quite a few friends’ Facebook statuses mentioning just that.

Still more? This next bit feels prideful to say out loud, but Brian and I have been complimented on our strength and faith. It’s not our strength. There’s no way we could get through this on our own. Yes, I’ve been mad at God. Earlier, I said I couldn’t understand why He took my baby. A very dear friend, whose husband died in 2009, sent me a message that said, “I have to say, in love and deep sincerity and I hope not too harshly, Elizabeth, that God didn’t take your baby. Your baby died and that is probably the worse thing you will ever deal with. You get to rant and be angry and shake your fists, and that’s okay, but God didn’t take your baby. God didn’t stop him from dying and God didn’t answer the prayers as we wanted him to answer. But God didn’t take your baby.” At the time, I told her that I may be able to see it that way one day but, at that moment, I couldn’t. That’s why it really struck me when, in the eulogy for his son, Rick Burgess said, “God had a reason for allowing it – I don’t think that God took our son. I think He allowed him to be taken, at this time. The Bible says all of our days are numbered. He allowed him to be taken so He would be glorified and no other reason – not to punish us, not to bring us heartache or pain. He did it so that the Kingdom would be glorified.” There’s precedent for it in Job 1:12. Job’s response after learning that his family, his livestock, his servants were destroyed was “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.” (Job 1:21).

Honestly, that doesn’t sound much better, does it? What kind of loving God would ALLOW my baby to be taken? One answer is that Keith really didn’t belong to me (caution: For the record… I’ll punch anyone who tells me that God needed another angel). Keith was and is God’s child. When he spoke at his son’s funeral, Rick started by addressing those who had asked him if he really wanted to get up and speak that day. “This is an opportunity that was given to me to leave here today knowing that I was obedient to my Father in Heaven – to Bronner’s Father in Heaven, who is in the care with the only Father who loves him more than me. If you were to leave your children… [were told] “You’re going. Who would you like to take care of your child until you get back?” Wouldn’t you love it if they said, “I’ll find somebody who loves your child more than you do.” That’s our situation. Though we miss him and we’ll miss him for years and years to come – according to how long God keeps us here, we know that he is in the care of a Father who loves him more than than I do. To the Father he really belongs to…” Yep. God loves Keith far more than I or Brian could possibly begin to. Who better for him to be with?

As I said, faith in God is the only way we could get through this. Faith that God knows what He’s doing even when we don’t. Faith that He is true to His word through Jeremiah 29:11 – that He has plans to prosper us and not harm us – plans to give us a hope and a future.

One may argue that God has harmed us in allowing this tragedy. I disagree. There’s a poem I’ve heard, I don’t know the author, but I believe each part of it can be found in scripture: “God didn’t promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.” We have seen prosperity. We have wealth beyond measure in our friends, our family, and in each other. And we do have a hope and a future! Yes, it hurts that Keith is gone (that’s an understatement!). We miss him immensely, but we will NOT let this tragedy tear us apart.

What is our hope and future?
Psalm 39:7 (And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you.). This along with verses 4-5 are on Keith’s headstone. There’s a reason we chose those verses. I can only speak for myself here, but my hope is that someone will one day see it and know they can have hope. There is hope. I believe it will serve as a reminder to me at times as well. We chose to put a verse from Isaiah on the front (But those who die in the Lord will live; their bodies will rise again! Those who sleep in the earth will rise up and sing for joy! Isaiah 26:19). That sounds like hope to me too! And those around us are noticing where we place our hope and how we respond to adversity. Satan intended this tragedy to tear us apart – to destroy us – but we have proof through God’s word that it doesn’t have to (1 Corinthians 15:55 – O death, where is your victory?). We will see Keith again. In God’s time.

One last question – Who all has re-evaluated their lives and learned that things once held as important are, in reality, insignificant? We have. We’ve seen areas in our lives that need attention. They’re getting it now. Yes, it stinks that it took a tragedy to make that happen, but it would be impossible to remain unchanged after something like this. It would also be a huge injustice to Keith if we remained unchanged. That’s our future. I don’t know what it holds exactly, but I don’t have to. God knows His plans for me and He’ll share them with me in His time. Until then, I work, I wait, I watch and I listen.

January 6, 2011, 2:37 am | 9 Comments »

2010 Recap

Shamelessly swiped from Shriek House

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?

Had a c-section. Buried a child. Helped my baby girl get settled in to second grade.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Nope, didn’t keep a one. I started off well enough but then got bogged down and let them go. I have made more for this year. New ones include getting out of debt, getting back into my creative hobbies, and starting to teach piano.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yep. Me! And about 4-5 others in my church and another 2-3 ladies I work with. It must’ve been something in the water.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Yes.

5. What countries did you visit?

None.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

Better health, better finances

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

September 8 – Keith’s birth and November 18 – Keith’s death

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Surviving the summer while pregnant Seriously, I’m not sure.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not sure there either.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

While pregnant, got diagnosed with gestational diabetes. I had to have a c-section and that was a bit of a hellish recovery. Biggest injury, of course, was Keith’s death.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

I liked Shriek House’s answer (Xanax) and am shamelessly stealing the similar answer of “Zoloft”.

12. Where did most of your money go?

Savings to get ready for maternity leave and then Univ of Alabama Hospital.

13. What did you get really excited about?

My pregnancy. Now excited about potential for the new year (starting a garden, honestly working toward debt reduction)

14. What song will always remind you of 2010?

Homesick from MercyMe

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:
– happier or sadder? Sadder
– thinner or fatter? About the same
– richer or poorer? Monetarily, about the same

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Spent more time with friends

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Saturdays in front of the TV

18. How did you spend Christmas?

Leading up to Christmas, visited family in Huntsville. Christmas day was spent with friends whose kids are our godchildren.

19. What was your favorite TV program?

Was and is and will always be – Doctor Who

20. What were your favorite books of the year?

My Sister’s Keeper

21. What was your favorite music from this year?

Not sure what was from this year, but got introduced to Jason Mraz, Eric Hutchison, and Michael Buble and love ‘em.

22. What were your favorite films of the year?

Enjoyed Toy Story 3 and Tangled.

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 39 and I brought my baby boy home.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Not having to bury my baby boy.

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

Dresses, skirts, and sandals. It’s called surviving the summer while 6-8 months pregnant.

26. What kept you sane?

Family. Friends.

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.

Life is too short not to follow your dreams.

January 1, 2011, 1:16 am | Comments Off