6 months ago today

6 months ago today, I was at UAB’s Women & Infant’s Center and, having just had a c-section at about 3pm, I was still pretty happily drugged as of this moment (8:30pm). I honestly don’t remember much of the first night. I remember bits and pieces of the day after and how hellish it was. Those mean nurses made me get up and, well, I can’t repeat what all I said in response to how badly that hurt.

The next few days were a mix of happiness and frustration. Frustration mostly as I reacquainted myself with the care of a newborn and happiness… as I reacquainted myself with the care of a newborn. Life’s odd that way.

I miss him. I’ve at least finished the melody to what would likely have been his lullaby. There’s a fragment of another song I would sing to him too. I always found it odd that it was in a minor key. Now, it seems fitting. I think the main reason I didn’t flesh that one out is because I didn’t like the idea of singing a “minor” song to my baby. I’m still not sure I’ll do anything with it. We’ll see.

Taylor & I went to her god-sister’s 1st birthday party on Saturday. It was wonderful – she was adorable in her Birthday Girl outfit (complete with crown)! We went over to their house afterward and I got to hold Kevin while he drank a bottle. He’s 9 months old now – holding the bottle on his own! I played with him a little and when he started yawning, I held him close… hoping. Yep, he fell asleep in my arms and I promptly fell asleep on their couch. After telling a friend about this, he asked if I found that to be pure joy or mixed. Honestly? Most of the time, it has been pure joy. I love babies. Period. I’ll admit, though, there have been a few times that it’s been bittersweet. I see the things that Keith would likely be doing and that stings a bit. To my friends reading this who have babies – this does NOT mean you should shield me from them! Don’t miss that one little line – “I love babies. Period.” Babies, in an of themselves, are pure joy. Most of the time. 😉

Thank you, again, to all of you for your love, support, and prayers. They’re all still very much needed. We love y’all and are so glad to have you in our life.


  1. I have been very aware all day of what today is. What a joy when Brian put Keith’s first cry on speaker phone so we could hear him right after his birth! He was such a sweet lil dude, so loved, and now so missed. Love you guys!

  2. I love you so much!!!! i am so sorry what you are going thru and i know its hard. i read the part about you falling asleep with kevin, i know you enjoyed that and you are free to hold him anytime you want. I miss your little boy too and i think of him austin. wishing he was still here to play with abby and kevin. i am so sorry and i am still praying everyday. i love you!!!!

  3. I love you, my baby girl. For 2-3 days now I’ve cried, remembering the quiet wee hours holding him – knees pulled up and scrunched on my chest, sleeping. I love the smell of babies…the feel. I miss him, and I love you so much…wish you didn’t have to experience this. Please do something with your melodies. You make beautiful music.

  4. My first time on your blog, and it was/is so special. You have added so much to Cay’s and my life thru your music, both at times of great joy and profound sadness. I agree with Mimi, finish the music, you’ll (He) will find the right time and or person for you to present this gift. Music is the one pure look into a persons soul, promoting healing and growth a way to look at the past, live in the present and embrace the future!
    AMLAP (All My Love and Prayers)